The Upper Room

Take a minute and compose a list.  Look into the depths of your soul and think of the people in the public eye that bother you the most.  Now think about open-palm slapping them right in the face.  I’m not talking about the Hollywood style, silent-film-playboy-tries-to-sneak-in-a-kiss-before-girl-boards-a-plane-and-gets-slapped slap (as in the below slap compilation), or even the Looney-Tunes glove slap. 

What I’m talking about is the open-hand-face-palm:angry-the-dye-turned-my-hair-a-shade-of-blonde-that-would-make-Snooki-prematurely-birth-her-bad-idea-belly-biscuit:furious-the-cameras-caught-me-in-my-blackie-tighties:standing-6-feet-5-inches-tall-with-an-HGH-cocktail-induced-misplaced-machismo:grew-up-without-a-mama:no-sensitive-side:your-nose-is-a-basketball-to-me slap.  Now go read that sentence again.  **Disclaimer** This paragraph will make no sense if you do not watch the below video.  **Double Disclaimer** Sasquatch drops an H-E-double hockey sticks in the video, so sensitive ears take caution.    

Now that you know the genre of slap I am referencing, get back to your list.  I am interested in the top 5 people you would be interested in open palm slapping.  Still can’t picture yourself the kind of person to let somebody sniff your palm?  Let me establish another thing.  You’re able to do this hanging out of a second story window with absolutely no legal repercussions.  Shut the cap on your moral compass and consider this a benefit to society.  It’s not like you’re eradicating their existence… you’re just bringing them back down to earth.  To keep us grounded in this exercise (and to prevent a hypothetical world in which everyone is walking around slapping everyone just because) I propose this idea with a second story window or upper room so there is still the chance the person can get you, but you have a significant competitive advantage (like Ray Lewis drinking deer antler spray) ((read today’s news if that doesn’t make sense to you)).  All that being said I have compiled my list and the justification thereof below.   This list is not in order.  Kudos if you are able to appropriately order your list; I could not.

Why Toby is how Toby is.

      1.        Toby Keith:  The only thing I have in common with Toby Keith is that we both love America and country music.  But Toby Keith is one of the prominent reasons that country-haters loathe country music.  With songs about frat parties and freedom, Toby has had the most successful career in the business recycling themes in the most redneck manner possible.  And it’s safe, because if you don’t like Toby Keith, you must not like America (dripping with sarcasm).  Furthermore, when Toby sings there is a guttural/throat-manufactured vibrato that makes me want to… well… open palm slap him across the mouth.

     

Paul's Koala Impression

      2.       Kevin Garnett/Paul Pierce:  This duo has been haunting my sports world in an unforgivable way since 2008.  When my beloved Atlanta Hawks met the Boston Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs in 2008, so was born my deep disdain for these 2 clowns.  A quick youtube search for KG reveals his antics as every other video contains the words ‘cheap shot’.  He looks like a 7 foot tall billy goat, and I may have to utilize a third story window to slap him in the face.  I cannot argue against the skill level of either of these 2 dudes, so I spend time whining about the way they execute their game.  On that note, Paul Pierce is unreasonably clutch, but I want to injure him because he believes his every drive to the basket merits him a foul call.  Seriously Paul, should I get a trophy every time I step foot on a little league baseball field?  POW!!!  Right in the kissa…

Ew...

      3.       Nicki Minaj:  What is this creature?  I would appreciate descriptors on the following: gender, race (not even black or white, but human or marsian), religion (as she [it] makes it very clear what religion she [it] is not, and asexuality.  Perhaps most important is the last, because the future of our society may hinge on this critter necessitating the sexual attraction of another.  We can hang our hats on this not occurring.  If asexual, our existence may depend on Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, Will smith and the “Up yours, alien a-hole” guy from Independence Day, or Sigourney Weaver.  Even with these players, I don’t like our odds.   

   

Uncanny.

      4.     [Disbelieving] Joe Biden:  Political preferences aside, I’ve never felt more like I was being swindled by a used car salesman than when watching Joe Biden debate Paul Ryan.  Not even when I was once swindled by a used car salesman.  The Joe Biden of the majority of the year, the one who looks mad as a hornet, does not merit a slap in the mouth in my opinion.  The Joe Biden mid debate, when caught in the disbelief of even having to square off with someone as sexy as Paul Ryan, deserves said slap in the face complete with follow through.  And he looks like Jack Nicholson as the Joker in Batman… 

Fraudulent girlfriend, fraudulent respect.

      5.  Manti Te'o:  This may have not been the case a few short weeks ago.  As the story unfolds of Manti and his imaginary girlfriend, I am increasingly irritated by the mere mentioning of his name.  I am partly biased because I do believe Manti's tall tale was a direct influence in his earning various awards when there were more deserving dawgs (Alec Ogletree and Jarvis Jones).  Similarly, I think Alabama exposed Te'o for what he truly is... (cue Arnold voice) a girly man... a choir boy...  So whatever the reason may be, whether his bullfrog look, his always being lei'd, or the way he says "Far from it...", Te'o made the list.