Fun Run?

I hate running with every inch of my being.  Apparently running hates me at least as much.  The running I speak of is distance running which includes but is not limited to jogging, running laps, 5k’s, 10k’s, half marathons, full marathons, super marathons, etc.  I find no enjoyment in the activity.  At 6-5, running any long distances hurts my every joint from ankles and knees to my shoulders and even my neck.  People tell me they enjoy running because they enjoy the alone time.  I would rather be alone in my screened-in porch with the afternoon sun peeking in while I’m sipping a sweet tea.  People tell me they like being in control.  I would rather buy a hamster and force it to generate small amounts of energy by running on a wheel if I need control.  People tell me running is the best way to get in shape.  I tell them the only shapes that running gets me into are of the Greek letter ‘gamma’, a peculiarly shaped ‘A’, or a combination of the two.  There’s also the always possible shape of a horizontal line representing me lying face down on the ground.  

Not a game of hangman...

The out-of-service Avondale Middle School property backs up to our neighborhood which gives us access to a sufficient track and a full-size football field and baseball field, which our eccentric part of town has converted into a dog park.  From time to time I will venture to the track and run a mile or two around it.  I have tried the theory of running less linear and measured distances (i.e. running a crazy route around town) in an effort to trick myself into thinking the act of running isn’t so bad.  In the grand scheme of things, it may be slightly less miserable than running around a track, except that I am a ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ thinker, and a track enables me to see exactly how much more of myself I must exert before smelling the sweet aromas of victory and survival.  Furthermore, if I fall out on a track, people have a general idea what happened to me and I have a decent chance of rescue.  If I am a mile away from my house with no identification and I kick the bucket on Memorial Drive in front of Mobeta Wangs, Western Union check cashing, Annie Laura’s Country Cookin’, or Daddy D’z BBQ Joynt, the ratio of deep fryers to defibrillators is certainly skewed in the direction of heart disease.  This is all a bit ironic, right?  Me running in front of harbors for clogged arteries, surrounded by people thrice my size, and I could be the one needing resuscitation?  I’ll stick to the track.

A legitimate fear... passed out on a curb in the hood.

I recently started playing basketball in another rec league near the Highlands, and decided I better regain my cardio-pulmonary strength.  [See, I am not opposed to getting in shape or running, as long as there’s a goal and it’s short distance sprinting.]  Naturally, I did what makes the most sense and googled, “How to get in shape for basketball in 2 weeks.”  Success.  Millions of hits.  The most common answer was a combination of wind sprints and jogging, alternating days.  So I strolled to the track to give wind sprints a try and for a week ran pretty consistently.  Ask me about the worst week of my life.  For those of you who have never heard of wind sprints, it basically means that you jog at a fast pace for a while and then you sprint a predetermined distance to really get your heart rate up.  Then you do it again, and you never stop.  I did wind sprints for 2 miles where I sprinted the last 100 meters of each 400 meter lap.  And then I found out I had asthma.  I blame it on running.   Below is a list of things I would rather do than run:

1.       Get asthma.

2.       Use an anthill as a pillow.

3.       Shave a sleeping Grizzly Bear with non-oiled and running-out-of-battery clippers.

4.       Listen to Lou Holtz read anything by Dr. Seuss. 

5.       Get in a grape stomping competition with Michael Flatley (the Riverdance dude).

What is additionally mind-blowing to me is that running, particularly themed running, is becoming an increasing fad.  The like-minded majority that despises this mindless exercise is rapidly becoming the minority.  People are voluntarily signing up to run long distances, run through mud, run through wires that electrically shock them, and run a variety of other ways that aren’t sensible.  (Sensible running = from wild beasts or to get paid)  The most shocking thing is not that people sign up to run, it’s that they PAY to sign up to run.  I need to change my list now.  These are the things I would rather do than PAY to run.

1.       Get a detached retina from a mishap with a salad fork.

2.       Use an anthill as a pillow and cover up with a blanket made of poison ivy.

3.       Aforementioned #3 with variables a) while naked and b) covered in honey.

4.        Hear Lou Holtz repeat the sentence, “So, Cecilia shows off her stresslessness and sasses sixty-six serpents showing senseless possessiveness simultaneous to assessing situations with slues of solutions.”

5.       Be the 'spotter' for the woman in the video below in a grape stomping competition (an oldie but a goodie) ((On second thought, I may actually be interested in this))

Side lesson: Cheaters never win.

I would much rather participate in a run where I have a goal bigger than to simply finish or not get shocked or not die.  It takes something big for me to be coerced into running.  I am not motivated by hoisting a theoretical ‘pride trophy’.   Go down to the dog track and you’ll find even greyhounds are coerced into running laps by a tantalizing faux bunny (a lure).  I appreciate the runs themed around supporting a good cause.  I obviously still prefer not to run, but to give of my time or my money instead.  Yesterday, I was informed of one such run designed to stir up support for an incredible cause I want to share.

A buddy at church announced a Ribbon run 5K on Saturday May 4^th at 8 am.  The Ribbon Run raises funding for the Atlanta Dream Center which is an Atlanta based ministry designed to break the generational cycle of poverty, isolation, and prostitution in Atlanta.  If you’re like me, you may not want to run, but it’s worth seeing if you can volunteer or give in another way.    

PS: Did you know Atlanta ranks in the top 20 cities in the world for prevalence of sex trafficking of teenagers?  Some reports say around #13.  In Atlanta alone, an alleged 400 children are bought and sold for sex each month.  Many statistics say around 90% of runaway girls in Atlanta become victims of the sex trade.  It’s baffling this amazing city can have such a repulsive and filthy underbelly. 

One organization putting its foot down against sex trafficking in Atlanta and doing awesome things to help rehabilitate the women who have been marginalized is BeLoved Atlanta.  A friend of ours is one of the cofounders and I’m sure she’d appreciate y’all checking out their website.  They find ways to help women escape the oppressive life as a slave and assimilate back into society.  I am confident they would love to be flooded with questions of how to get involved in helping these women experience restoration in their lives.

A final organization that needs some attention when they're not already meriting said attention by parading the country in their underroos is Cupid's Undie Run.  It was started by my college roommate's older brother, Chad Leathers and several of his friends who had an amazing and hysterical idea of a way to raise money for the Children's Tumor Foundation.  Another run, this time in your underwear?  Now we're bordering insanity.  But this has worked and been an amazing fundraiser as these guys and gals have raised over 1 million dollars to benefit the CTF.  The race is appropriately run on Valentine's Day weekend.  Chad and the gang have received a lot of national press as of late.  Check them out on CNN and other news outlets.   

I know it probably threw some folks off guard to see me get all serious and whatnot, but I wanted to express my appreciation via shout-out to some folks who dedicate so much of themselves to positively impact the community and the lives of others.  I couldn’t spend the whole post just whining about my knees.  Y’all go check them out and find some way to give back.  Gotta run…  

Me exercising... the right to ruin someone's evening.